Initiate Rather Than Avoid Difficult Conversations: A Communication and Leadership Reminder
by Mary Boza Crimmins
Have you ever encountered a word with a different meaning than you expected? Here’s one, “noisome.” I had to look it up. It means having an extremely offensive smell. Or how about “inflammable?” It evokes an image of not being flammable. Yet it means easily set on fire.
What about “rebuke?” It used to sound harsh to me, but then I gained a better understanding. Rebuke, in some contexts, actually reflects kindness and thoughtfulness. I write about its meaning in my upcoming book, Taking the Holy Spirit to Work.
Excerpt from Taking the Holy Spirit to Work
“Rebuke is a harsh-sounding word to me. When examined in context, it is one of the most generous words in the Bible. To rebuke means to frankly bring truth where change is needed. It’s part of loving “your neighbor as yourself.” (Leviticus 19:18b) Psalm 141:5b describes being rebuked as “oil on my head,” meaning protection. Sometimes (often?), we need someone to be kind and speak into our lives to help protect us against ourselves. Difficult, necessary conversations, when carried out with a gentle tone at an appropriate time, serve to elevate.”
An Essential Leadership Skill
Rebuking is an essential communication skill leaders must develop primarily because speaking truth promotes positive change. It demonstrates that you care about your employee's well-being and professional success.
Leaders must take the time to protect not just the bottom line but the environment of all employees. This requires the skill and habit of rebuking, which often translates to having difficult conversations. As Vincent Pugliese reminds us in his book, The Wealth of Connection, being “generous with your honesty” is a matter of character.
Why, then, are difficult conversations avoided? It could be because the leader is experiencing one or more of the following:
They are immersed in their schedule or issues and feel there is no time.
They assume the conversation will have a negative outcome.
They fear losing an employee who fills a key role.
They tend to avoid conflict.
When any of the above is true, the leader is operating from an undisciplined mindset. In Stoic and Christian philosophy, discipline is greater than motivation. It’s not a matter of doing what we feel like; it’s a matter of doing what is required. Leaders who avoid difficult conversations are setting themselves up for costly consequences.
Challenge or Encouragement?
Is there a difficult conversation you’ve been putting off with an employee, co-worker, boss, or loved one? If so, I encourage you to take on this challenge.
Write down answers to the following questions.
What is the situation?
Why is it an issue?
How do you feel about the issue?
Why are you putting off having the difficult conversation?
What will the consequences be if you continue putting it off?
What will you accomplish by having the conversation?
Reflecting and writing will help clarify the situation and regulate your feelings. Now that you have context, go forth and be generous. Rebuke with kindness and honesty. Lead with courage and encouragement.
